Friday, January 30, 2009

The Start-Over

It's not often you get to start over. Usually, life doesn't let you do that.

I have another blog, somewhere else. It's pretty cool. It has fancy graphics, and some friends. People even subscribe to it! People I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

The problem with that great blog, of which I am immensely proud, is that everyone knows who I am. I took a certain pride in revealing myself, in making sure people knew I OWNED my words. I was responsible for them; I would repeat them in a court of law.

But then things started to happen, or continued in that vein, as they always seem to do in life, and rather than feeling responsible, I began to feel confined. I couldn't tell you - anything actually - about what I was going through personally because anything I said would hurt someone's feelings. And I have so wanted to tell you. I crave that feeling of community that I know I might find here.

I am going to tell you my story. It's a story about a perfect little girl, and her perfect family, about how she grew up and got married, and one day looked down, and saw that the veneer of perfection had worn through. It's about looking back at her childhood and puzzling over the details of her personality, over why she can't ever fail, and why she can't ever let her dad go. It's about the present and future too: it's about her call to "bring the sun," to surface happy and hopeful from the strange gloom of the past, to be fully present for her husband and children, and to make their lives a joy.

I don't want you to think I'm a coward for not telling you my real name. I couldn't write this honestly if you knew me. Beneath this shroud, I can let more of myself out for you. I promise not to use my shield to say untruthful or hurtful things about other people. I will reveal no one. I will be generic. Maybe one day, when my story is through, when all the characters agree, or when I finally decide that it doesn't matter anymore, maybe then I'll reveal myself. I will be a horrible disappointment to everyone! There won't be any revelation at all. Everything that I am will be right here.

You can call me Jane Who.

2 comments:

  1. I don't care who yo are. I wanna know stories like yrs. i am here. sign me up! :)

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  2. Oh thank you Amy! Secretly, we know each other. We do - but not IRL. It's KILLING ME.

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